I think you’re right. Come to think of it, maybe that’s exactly why we’re all here on Substack. It’s one of the few places that still feels like people genuinely seeing one another. Thank you! 💛
Emily, I love that connection. “Leave room to not have it all handled” feels like such a beautiful definition of both hospitality and relationship. The people who make us feel safest aren’t the ones who expect us to be impressive—they’re the ones who make it okay to be human. Thank you for this 💛
This struck a nerve. I am that person that always handled things, and so many times I just wanted to ask me how I was and feel safe enough to ask for help.
Thank you for reading and for sharing this, Kay. 💛 A friend once had a psychic at a party just for fun, and the moment she looked into my eyes, I burst into tears. It seemed so strange at the time, but I think it was the first time in a long time I’d felt truly seen. I didn’t understand it then. I do now.
I also feel shame that I cannot get over it. I know I have the tools, time on the couch, etc. It is when I travel, I feel like me or just be. No performance, no people pleasing.
This felt too real Kelly. I’m that person, almost everything you said resonated so deeply with me. I’m at a point in my life where I’m evaluating this need to control and manage everything. To have everything handled, to be on top of it all. And I’m also seeing how my body is telling me I’m carrying too much. You’re so right that letting go, letting someone else take over is an exercise in trust. And also patience, not immediately jumping in to fix things. I’m going to have to come back to this and read it a few more times, because there’s so much here that I want to sink into.
Jacky, thank you for trusting me with this! I know that feeling so well. The hardest part for me wasn’t realizing I was carrying too much—it was believing someone else could carry it too. I’m so glad it resonated, and I hope when you come back to it, it feels a little gentler each time. 💛
Wow, Kelly. I skipped some parts, because I think it was too close for comfort for me to read fully!! (However, I will put my big girl pants on and go back and read it all this time!)
''I was not pretending to be okay when I wasn’t. I was pretending not to need anything.'' Darn it! Why do we do this to ourselves? So much truth in this essay. Thank you Kelly.
Oh, Jeannine… thank you. 💛 I laughed at the “big girl pants” line, but I also know exactly what you mean. Sometimes the parts that are hardest to read are the ones that recognize us the most. I’m so grateful you came back to tell me.
Such an honest reflection, Kelly. I see your pain and recognize the vulnerability it takes to articulate what you need, or rather, that you need at all. Bravo for taking this important step toward greater self discovery. 💗
Thank you so much, Erin. 💛 I think “needing anything at all” might be the real plot twist. I’m so glad this one found you, and I really appreciate your kindness!
Retirement did not remove the role. It removed the institution that had made the role look reasonable." The competence doesn't disappear, the scaffolding that gave it a home does. And the distinction between being watched and being seen, most people spend years in the first one thinking it's the second.
Amy, this is such a thoughtful addition. I especially love “the scaffolding that gave it a home.” That feels exactly right!
The competence is still there, but without the institution it became much easier to see which parts were truly mine and which parts I’d simply learned to carry. And yes… I think so many of us spend years confusing being watched with being seen.
Thank you for putting words to that so beautifully. 💛
Wow, Kelly. I had to read this several times. You nailed it. We're so damned "capable" that we've disabled ourselves. The thing we're so good at is the thing that stops us getting what we need. You can handle anything, so no one reaches out, so you never get held. And the simple act of navigating or carrying bags is earthshaking. Shifts us, and pokes us so that we can finally feel that we don't have to be the capable one, we don't have to do it all, or carry it all, or be it all. You're so right, Kelly. It feels good to be recognizing this and working our way out of it, doesn't it. Nigel sounds like a keeper. :)
Jane, thank you for such a thoughtful comment! It genuinely made me smile, and I’m so glad the piece resonated with you.
I especially love your phrase “working our way out of it.” That feels exactly right. It’s less about capitulation and more about actively correcting a pattern that’s been with us for years. And yes… Nigel is definitely a keeper. 💛
Being seen but not watched. A partner who didn't really know me until everything slowed down enough to actually look. The exhaustion of trying to handle it all, all at once, always.
I've gotten off that treadmill too — and I'm not going back.
But if I'm honest, it was never really about being seen. It was about being heard. And I found that, unexpectedly, in writing. Turns out the page listens in ways people sometimes can't.
We live in Costa Rica now, and my main goal every single day is zero stress. I don't always make it. Some days the universe has other plans. But I try, hard, and that intention alone has changed everything.
I love that we experience the same truth through different senses. My instinct is almost always visual—I think in terms of being seen or watched. Yours is auditory: being heard, and finding that the page listens. That’s such a beautiful distinction.
And I love that we both arrived at it through travel. It has a way of revealing the parts of ourselves that were there all along.
Thank you so much for sharing this. It has resonated very deeply with me. Wanting to be seen, not watched, is at my core and I too have covered it so deeply that I have made it very reasonable for people to miss that. I Al improving, but it is a journey and progress is anything but linear.
That’s a fact! It’s a twisty, winding road that doubles back on itself, with the occasional dead end and traffic jam. The important thing is that we’re still on it. Thank you for sharing so honestly. 💛
I wonder if women are more prone to this. Many of us work as well as loon after house and home and the family social life and holidays. We become the go to know-it-all. I have only these last few years as the children are starting to grow into adults started to let go of control, learning to say "I don't know", or "Can you find this out for yourself?" They are learning now, and I'm finding myself with an increasing sense of freedom. Nobody asks me if I'm ok yet, but not being on charge of everything means that I'm more ok than I ever was. 🙏🏼
Great insight, Lisa… and I agree — I do wonder if this lands especially hard for women, and maybe mothers in particular.
For so many years, there’s this constant scanning: who needs what, who feels off, what’s about to fall through the cracks, what emotion needs managing before anyone even names it. That instinct is so useful when we’re caring for children, but it can quietly bleed into work, friendships, marriage, everything.
And yes to the quiet that comes when the kids start standing more fully on their own. It’s not empty exactly. It’s spacious. Like there’s finally enough room to hear your own inner voice again.
“Not being in charge of everything means I’m more ok than I ever was” is such a beautiful line. That feels like freedom!! 🙏💛
I love that you saw that! I think “liberating” was there all along, even if you didn’t use the word. It’s a quiet kind of freedom—the kind that arrives when you realize you don’t have to carry quite so much anymore. 💛
This post has put into words a sentiment I have been carrying with me for what feels like an eternity but could never quite verbalise. I'll definitely be sitting with it for a while...
Wow… what a compliment! Thank you, Stephanie 💛 I have a feeling our little Substack corner is full of people like us—people who feel things deeply. Sometimes that means the awareness of being watched makes it harder to participate. Other times it means we become the ones who handle everything because needing help feels even more vulnerable.
I’m grateful we have a place where we can finally put some of those feelings into words.
Wow! Excellent article! you're writing about me! I just told my husband that I'm not planning the next excursion, that if he wants to go he needs to do it (I've planned every detail of all our trips until now!) Sometimes one just has to let go...
Susan, I’m cheering you on—and wishing you both strength… and you a little extra tolerance. 😊 It was surprisingly hard for me not to step in at first. Nigel didn’t choose the most efficient flight route, and we ended up needing another trip to see family because of it. But he learned, and I realized that’s the point.
Sometimes we have to leave room for someone else to grow alongside us, even if it means things aren’t done exactly the way we would have done them. 💛
Retirement did not remove the role. It removed the institution that had made the role look reasonable." The competence doesn't disappear, the scaffolding that gave it a home does. And the distinction between being watched and being seen, most people spend years in the first one thinking it's the second.
Your comment "I did not want to be watched, but I desperately wanted to be seen" is so profound yet true of many of us.
I think you’re right. Come to think of it, maybe that’s exactly why we’re all here on Substack. It’s one of the few places that still feels like people genuinely seeing one another. Thank you! 💛
Competence is camouflage for need. This one lands deep. The best hospitality ---- and the best lives .... leave room to not have it all handled.
Emily, I love that connection. “Leave room to not have it all handled” feels like such a beautiful definition of both hospitality and relationship. The people who make us feel safest aren’t the ones who expect us to be impressive—they’re the ones who make it okay to be human. Thank you for this 💛
This struck a nerve. I am that person that always handled things, and so many times I just wanted to ask me how I was and feel safe enough to ask for help.
Thank you for reading and for sharing this, Kay. 💛 A friend once had a psychic at a party just for fun, and the moment she looked into my eyes, I burst into tears. It seemed so strange at the time, but I think it was the first time in a long time I’d felt truly seen. I didn’t understand it then. I do now.
I also feel shame that I cannot get over it. I know I have the tools, time on the couch, etc. It is when I travel, I feel like me or just be. No performance, no people pleasing.
Travel as therapy… It’s like a shortcut to authenticity. I love this!
PS No shame—I have a feeling there are a lot of us, and we’re all in good company 💛
This felt too real Kelly. I’m that person, almost everything you said resonated so deeply with me. I’m at a point in my life where I’m evaluating this need to control and manage everything. To have everything handled, to be on top of it all. And I’m also seeing how my body is telling me I’m carrying too much. You’re so right that letting go, letting someone else take over is an exercise in trust. And also patience, not immediately jumping in to fix things. I’m going to have to come back to this and read it a few more times, because there’s so much here that I want to sink into.
Jacky, thank you for trusting me with this! I know that feeling so well. The hardest part for me wasn’t realizing I was carrying too much—it was believing someone else could carry it too. I’m so glad it resonated, and I hope when you come back to it, it feels a little gentler each time. 💛
Wow, Kelly. I skipped some parts, because I think it was too close for comfort for me to read fully!! (However, I will put my big girl pants on and go back and read it all this time!)
''I was not pretending to be okay when I wasn’t. I was pretending not to need anything.'' Darn it! Why do we do this to ourselves? So much truth in this essay. Thank you Kelly.
Oh, Jeannine… thank you. 💛 I laughed at the “big girl pants” line, but I also know exactly what you mean. Sometimes the parts that are hardest to read are the ones that recognize us the most. I’m so grateful you came back to tell me.
Such an honest reflection, Kelly. I see your pain and recognize the vulnerability it takes to articulate what you need, or rather, that you need at all. Bravo for taking this important step toward greater self discovery. 💗
Thank you so much, Erin. 💛 I think “needing anything at all” might be the real plot twist. I’m so glad this one found you, and I really appreciate your kindness!
Retirement did not remove the role. It removed the institution that had made the role look reasonable." The competence doesn't disappear, the scaffolding that gave it a home does. And the distinction between being watched and being seen, most people spend years in the first one thinking it's the second.
Amy, this is such a thoughtful addition. I especially love “the scaffolding that gave it a home.” That feels exactly right!
The competence is still there, but without the institution it became much easier to see which parts were truly mine and which parts I’d simply learned to carry. And yes… I think so many of us spend years confusing being watched with being seen.
Thank you for putting words to that so beautifully. 💛
Wow, Kelly. I had to read this several times. You nailed it. We're so damned "capable" that we've disabled ourselves. The thing we're so good at is the thing that stops us getting what we need. You can handle anything, so no one reaches out, so you never get held. And the simple act of navigating or carrying bags is earthshaking. Shifts us, and pokes us so that we can finally feel that we don't have to be the capable one, we don't have to do it all, or carry it all, or be it all. You're so right, Kelly. It feels good to be recognizing this and working our way out of it, doesn't it. Nigel sounds like a keeper. :)
Jane, thank you for such a thoughtful comment! It genuinely made me smile, and I’m so glad the piece resonated with you.
I especially love your phrase “working our way out of it.” That feels exactly right. It’s less about capitulation and more about actively correcting a pattern that’s been with us for years. And yes… Nigel is definitely a keeper. 💛
Wow. I identified with almost every single line.
Being seen but not watched. A partner who didn't really know me until everything slowed down enough to actually look. The exhaustion of trying to handle it all, all at once, always.
I've gotten off that treadmill too — and I'm not going back.
But if I'm honest, it was never really about being seen. It was about being heard. And I found that, unexpectedly, in writing. Turns out the page listens in ways people sometimes can't.
We live in Costa Rica now, and my main goal every single day is zero stress. I don't always make it. Some days the universe has other plans. But I try, hard, and that intention alone has changed everything.
Tam, thank you for broadening the conversation. 💛
I love that we experience the same truth through different senses. My instinct is almost always visual—I think in terms of being seen or watched. Yours is auditory: being heard, and finding that the page listens. That’s such a beautiful distinction.
And I love that we both arrived at it through travel. It has a way of revealing the parts of ourselves that were there all along.
Thank you so much for sharing this. It has resonated very deeply with me. Wanting to be seen, not watched, is at my core and I too have covered it so deeply that I have made it very reasonable for people to miss that. I Al improving, but it is a journey and progress is anything but linear.
That’s a fact! It’s a twisty, winding road that doubles back on itself, with the occasional dead end and traffic jam. The important thing is that we’re still on it. Thank you for sharing so honestly. 💛
I wonder if women are more prone to this. Many of us work as well as loon after house and home and the family social life and holidays. We become the go to know-it-all. I have only these last few years as the children are starting to grow into adults started to let go of control, learning to say "I don't know", or "Can you find this out for yourself?" They are learning now, and I'm finding myself with an increasing sense of freedom. Nobody asks me if I'm ok yet, but not being on charge of everything means that I'm more ok than I ever was. 🙏🏼
Great insight, Lisa… and I agree — I do wonder if this lands especially hard for women, and maybe mothers in particular.
For so many years, there’s this constant scanning: who needs what, who feels off, what’s about to fall through the cracks, what emotion needs managing before anyone even names it. That instinct is so useful when we’re caring for children, but it can quietly bleed into work, friendships, marriage, everything.
And yes to the quiet that comes when the kids start standing more fully on their own. It’s not empty exactly. It’s spacious. Like there’s finally enough room to hear your own inner voice again.
“Not being in charge of everything means I’m more ok than I ever was” is such a beautiful line. That feels like freedom!! 🙏💛
Exactly that, I almost used the word "liberating" in that sentence, then decided not to, but you understood it anyway 🥰
I love that you saw that! I think “liberating” was there all along, even if you didn’t use the word. It’s a quiet kind of freedom—the kind that arrives when you realize you don’t have to carry quite so much anymore. 💛
Some excellent realisations in this :)
Thanks, Tom. I appreciate that. Some realizations take years to catch up with what your body already knows. 💛
This post has put into words a sentiment I have been carrying with me for what feels like an eternity but could never quite verbalise. I'll definitely be sitting with it for a while...
Wow… what a compliment! Thank you, Stephanie 💛 I have a feeling our little Substack corner is full of people like us—people who feel things deeply. Sometimes that means the awareness of being watched makes it harder to participate. Other times it means we become the ones who handle everything because needing help feels even more vulnerable.
I’m grateful we have a place where we can finally put some of those feelings into words.
Wow! Excellent article! you're writing about me! I just told my husband that I'm not planning the next excursion, that if he wants to go he needs to do it (I've planned every detail of all our trips until now!) Sometimes one just has to let go...
Susan, I’m cheering you on—and wishing you both strength… and you a little extra tolerance. 😊 It was surprisingly hard for me not to step in at first. Nigel didn’t choose the most efficient flight route, and we ended up needing another trip to see family because of it. But he learned, and I realized that’s the point.
Sometimes we have to leave room for someone else to grow alongside us, even if it means things aren’t done exactly the way we would have done them. 💛
You are okay
I am!
Retirement did not remove the role. It removed the institution that had made the role look reasonable." The competence doesn't disappear, the scaffolding that gave it a home does. And the distinction between being watched and being seen, most people spend years in the first one thinking it's the second.